When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her