“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals