It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Hey! This isn’t my car!