Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too