When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.