ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You Might Also Like
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.