NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Yeah. This was me today.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”