Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT