5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The smoothest fall of all time
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤