When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.