Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.