-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal