Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH