I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Ugh but profoundly
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.