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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
The first matador
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.