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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.