“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*updates tinder bio*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Every work call, he judges.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.