[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.