If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?