Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.