Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”