[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
You Might Also Like
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I’ve been drinking.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
i like to flex on them by shrugging
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”