I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
You Might Also Like
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC