Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
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WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.