When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho