My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”