Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
do what now??
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!