The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad