[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me