Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“No way.” -Jose
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I was bored.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.