Not all heroes wear capes….
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.