Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine