Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.