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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away