I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You Might Also Like
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
This guy gets it.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed