Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place