I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
This guy gets it.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Risking my life for fun.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Last-minute gift idea!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you