“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
When life hands you women, make women laid.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula