9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion