Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I like long walks away from everyone
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit