[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing