Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Dishonest mechanic?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.