You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.