The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
😬
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday