Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
me when I see my crush
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.