pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’m giving up for Lent.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
#parenting
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.