My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.