I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Your secret is safeish with me
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit