Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.