“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Best table by far
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.